Wow. The Eddie Izzard sketch. Its all true. They really do crack your bones. I thought it was comedic hyperbole.

Ok, so the good news. I don’t need surgery. There’s nothing life threatening going on with my back. Matter of fact, the minutiae, the little details throughout my spine are all in great shape. No damage or deterioration, no abnormal bone growths, nothing. Which is awesome.

And the not-so-awesome, the bad news. After years of poor sleep and chronic slouching, my spine is…wait for it…too straight. My lower back and neck are supposed to be well-curved, instead they’re not too far from being described as ‘straight like an arrow.’ And this is, of course, not healthy. It creates compression where there should be none, and extra space where there should be none, which causes all kinds of issues.

And its a long-term problem, as in its been brewing for a long, long time. I really should’ve listened to myself and gone years ago, and nipped this in the bud. But, its all entirely reversible via therapy, and there are steps they’re going to teach me to keep it from happening again. Once its corrected and I’ve learned the proper preventative methods, I’ll just stop by once or twice a year and keep tabs to make sure I’m not regressing. But to get to that point, I have to go back 3 times a week for at least a month to quite literally have my spine rearranged.

He had me lay down, and kept rearranging bits and pieces into quite a contorted shape (I had no idea what was about to happen this first time), and then, without warning, he leaned hard into my knee with his hip, and crack went my back. Roll over, weird positions, repeat. Sit up, move my head around, crack. Then, here, a learning experience: “See, I can’t force your neck to move over here like it should be able to, and crack just by moving that one bone, now it can!”

So as surreal as it is (and slightly uncomfortable, since I absolutely cannot stand the noise thats made when people crack their knuckles, which is rather similar to the noise your spine makes, if not quite as visceral), I’m happy because its not nearly as bad as it could’ve been, and its all correctable with limited therapy and preventative measures. Huzzah!